What if....

What if my mom never left my dad

What if I left for college instead of staying here

What if jarron was a girl

What if I hadn’t went to PBC that spring break

What if id never drove to that Kum n Go

What if my father wasn’t an alcoholic

what if I could fly

what if I never obtained my licence

what if I actually had a filter

what if I never picked up another alcoholic drink in my life

what if forever 21 went out of business tomorrow?

What if trees gave of wifi instead

What if degrees were free but you had to pay to work?

What if I die tomorrow?

What if my little cousin makes it big?

What if my grandomothers first husband never left her?

What if my uncle reggie never joined the marines?

What if weed was legal and alchol was not

What if I never get married

What if red meant go

What if I send the wrong screenshot to the right person?

Ive only known my uncle reggie for as long as ive been alive, duh, but my mom says he was different before he joined the marines. That he was nicer more gental. A quiet man. He has a voice out of this world. He sang at my cousin tissy’s funeral and brought my mom to tears. If so crazy what the military can do to people. Hes now this violent spirt that cant take care of himself and is draining my grandmother. She will never leave him out in the dust. I personally think its because she dies on the table when she had him. She claims to have seen family mermbers that had passed on and then the doctors brought her back. She went on to have 5 more children, my mother being number 5. I refuse to be an enabler. When you enable somone in their addiction you are almost fueling the disease. Youre saying I don’t want this person to get better, I  don’t want them to see how much they have destroyed in their wake of destruction. That you are ok with the deomns that is person has clawing at their back. That their soul isn’t worth saving. Even if the only way to do so is through tough love. I LOVE my siblings to death all of them but if any of them were struggling like that they would have absolutely nothing coming from them and I hope that if I ever fall into that path that they do the same for me. Addiction is such a werid thing to me. Some people do the same thing every day, get a medium coffee at kum n go two sugars no cream, or cant get out of bed until they have smoke a blunt, or pop a couple of zanax because they cant just deal with the day unless these things have taken place. That is additiciton. Ill even go far enough to say that situational addition exsists. There was a point in my life where ic ould not go downtown without begin completely wasted

If I never would have went to PBC I woudlnt have some of the amazing memories and lessoned learned on that 7 day vacation. When the idea was presented I was so excited spring break on the beach I was young. I do think that I could have gotten more out of the experience if I had let go of some of my inhabitions and lived a little but I do have moral values and having sex on the beach in the middle of the day is against everything my mother ever taught me. I also learned to NEVER GO ANYWHERE with couples if you are not in a realation ship and your boyfriend isn’t there. So much fighting and trying to be caked up in the hotel instead of goin to see things and meeting new people. Sometimes I think that I want to be in a relationship so bad until I see peole in realtionships fightitn. I don’t have anyone that I have to reporst back to. I don’t have aboy freaking out because the dress that im wearing is too short of my bikini top is too little. In the grand shceme of things the single life is where its at. I would have never seen the ocean. We stayed on the 11^th floor

Sometimes I hope that we are just a smaller part of a much much largher life cycle. That the reason im in this class right now ripples down to someone choosing to stay and fight for their life light years away. There are 7 billion people on this planet already so if that doesn’t make you feel small and irrelevant then im not real sure on what else could. Hopefully if we are just a spec in the grand scheme of life then I hope im the spec on gods hand. To be apart of something that created all the beauty that I get to wake yup and enjoy daily. Would be awesome. Someday don’t shine as bright as others but were all still blessed the same. Being able to wake up and go to a class you hate is a blessing because you could be in a spot where education isn’t even valued or even worse not avalaible. That later on today im going to go to a job that im growing less and less fond of but I know that when Friday hits im going to be able to pay my rent. The glass has to to be half full everyday, because if you don’t leave space for the bad days the days where you just don’t want to get out of bed, or do anything productive, you have to remember that the glass needs to be full you need to be bursting with life, and that’s when the glass is half ful. I feel like none of that made any sense but I know what I meant in my mind.